Yes, but I want some emotions please.

Loud music warning campaign

Image by .m for matthijs via Flickr

I just had to clear my head this evening, so once I had got home, cooked our evening meal, watched The Simpson and caught up with my daughter on her day it was time to get the headphones out and plug myself in!

I know these new anti depressants are working now because I really don’t feel down and I’m not getting those dark moods and thoughts. Thing is, I don’t really feel emotional about anything either! I feel detached from my emotions, I’ve lost my creativity and impulsiveness. I know this might sound odd but it is how I feel at the moment.

I thought, my last hope was my music and thankfully, everything is still as it was, just submerged a bit. So now I’m bopping my head along to some of my favourite tunes rather loudly through the headphones. I’ve already took them off to see if I’ve got that tingly ear ringing yet, and yes, it’s there, oh boy that feels so good!

Why does it feel good? I don’t know it just does. It makes me feel alive and I know my body is trying to defend itself and tell me to turn it down. How can I when Meatloaf is currently shouting at me from his Bat out of Hell? That song brings back such memories! Like winning a game of bar billiards one night in a league game, then the team doing their stuff as well. We all end up stood on tables singing along to a Bat Out Of Hell at the top of our voices.

The tablets may be doing what they are supposed to do but, I wish they didn’t give me this apathetic, lethargic feeling as well.

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7 Comments

  1. I was never keen on the tingly ear thing, I used to always experience it from Sunday to Wednesday after visiting certain nightclubs on a Saturday night, many years ago. But, like you say, you sometimes just have to have certain tracks slightly louder than normal – you have to feel the music!

    It is good that the tablets are working, Trevor!

    • I went to far too many concerts in my younger days and I think it got to the point where I rarely got the ear tingling sensation. I loved it back then but rarely have my music that lid these days, I must be getting old (in body at least).

  2. I have long experience with antidepressants, the bad side of them is they knock down the highs as well as the lows. They haven’t invented a pill that makes you feel all-around good, nothing can do that (for me) but steady employment at a likable job. Having no money (for me) is extremely depressing and no doctor can cure it, only the economy. At least we have music and movies and pets.

    • I wish I could put my finger on why I’m suffering at the moment, I have built up strategies for most things to combat it but when it’s your mind doing it to you, you tend to have very little choice

  3. What can I say Trevor? I started a comment and nothing read right… I’ve only ever tried anti depressants once in my life and I nearly crawled up the walls, and ended up walking about the neighbourhood at 5 o’clock one morning just to ease the feeling of ‘get up and go’ so I got up out of bed and went.!! SO I just threw them away, and since then thankfully I’ve managed to contain my anxieties and it’s worked to date. I do hope that your anti depressants ‘settle’ down enough to enable you to ‘feel’ enough to write again, and certainly Meatloaf is force to be reckoned with on the loudness scale, so how can you resist singing at the top of your voice Like A Bat Out Of hell too!! πŸ˜‰
    Fingers crossed that once your system becomes used to the new tablets you’ll find your inspiration flooding back.. xPenx

    • Pen, this is my second time on them and I did exactly what you did the first time. I am hoping that once my body gets used to them certain things will return, I miss the urge to write the most. I have that deep down feeling that I should be writing but nothing seems to spark my imagination. I really don’t think it’s writers block because I could waffle on about mundane stuff all day, it’s the creative thinking that’s gone to sleep at the moment. I’m hoping reading plenty will ignite something but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

  4. oh Trevor, i don’t know what to say. i’m happy that they are working, but sorry that they are “flattening your affect”. i hope you keep writing in spite of having no urge and pursuing moments of happiness.

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