I don’t feel too good today

We had just finished going through the bookbank yesterday morning when I start to feel a bit more than odd. I feel not really dizzy but feint. I feel shaky but not really sweaty or cold. I feel mainly confused! I sit on one of those kick stools that you see in shops and after a few minutes I know I have to go home.

I sort of listen in on this conversation my mind is having with itself
I have to go home!
I just do!
What will you do?
Eat, I’m hungry.
But you had breakfast.
Yeah I know but I’m starving!
Why do you feel like this?
I dunno, I just need to get out of here.
But you like it here.
I know, I enjoy being here at the shop.
No! I have to get home!

I make my excuses and leave the shop. I get to the bus stop to find a bus waiting. I board, sit down and get my book out. All the time I have been listening to this conversation my mind is having with itself, it is discussing my route that I walk to the bus stop; how hungry I am; but uppermost is a state of confusion about what I’m doing and why am I hearing all this? It feels like I am separate from this conversation yet I am the only person taking part in this conversation.

I’m reading my book on the bus, oblivious to where I am, my mind has stopped talking to itself, all of us are concentrating on reading the book.
I miss my stop!
It’s not until another five minutes or so before I notice this but I don’t panic, I hear my mind saying, it’s OK, the bus goes in a big horseshoe route around the estate and there is a stop near the shops. I put my book away and wait for the bus to arrive at the shopping precinct.
I don’t need any food at home but I find myself in the supermarket buying pasta, bread and ice cream! I don’t remember walking from the bus stop to the supermarket or picking up any of these items but I’m now at the till and the young lady is asking for the money to pay for my purchases.

I pay and leave.

I get home, put my shopping away. I then cook a whole pile of pasta, enough to feed a family. I cook it the easy way, I have a jar of pasta bake sauce which you just mix with the dry pasta and 45 minutes later you have a whole pile of pasta.

By the time it is cooked I’m ravenous and I end up eating all the pasta plus a bowl of ice cream with half a tin of pineapple chunks. My mind has been quiet all this time as I’ve been concentrating on the food I’m cooking and eating. I make a coffee, then relax on the sofa.

I wake up five hours later, my coffee is cold and I’m feeling no better. My mind is discussing the minutiae of what I should do next. It’s like I’m a bystander, eavesdropping on this conversation once again. I still have a couple of films that we rented over the weekend that I’ve not watched. I agree with myself that this might be a good thing to do, so I watch one.

As the fim finishes, my phone rings, it is my sister. We agree to chat on Skype. I explain all that I’ve gone through today and we then chat about day to day stuff. We make plan for me and my daughter to visit in the summer. I have to write all this down because I once again can hear my mind telling me I’ll forget all these dates if I don’t write it all down.

After our chat, I sit browsing the net for a couple of hours, trying to preoccupy my mind with something interesting, all the time there is this discussion going on about everything I view. I find myself looking at videos on Youtube and post one of my favourite songs to my blog. I turn off my PC. It is still only nine o’clock-ish. I read my book for a while and the voices go quiet.

I get to bed about midnight. I sleep for nine hours and on waking I’m still hearing my mind discussing or arguing over everything I should be doing. I call my doctors surgery to see if I can get an appointment but they are fully booked today unless it is a medical emergency. I hear the discussion:
Is this a medical emergency?
Are you sure?
It feels like we should be seeing a doctor asap!

I hear myself telling the receptionist it is not a medical emergency and I will try again on Monday. I hang up.
I call the shop to let them know that I wont be in today.
I decide to write about my experience but find myself watching the news on TV for hours on end. I can’t believe we are going to send yet more of our troops to yet another conflict!

As I write it is now lunchtime and once again I feel starvingly hungry, I did have breakfast this morning.

In the time I’ve sat writing this, I’ve listened in to a conversation once again, I should do some washing and make my bed, so I got up, stripped my bed and put the bed linen in the machine, I then came back to writing this. I heard another conversation; I should make my bed with the fresh linen I washed last week. I go and make my bed, come back to writing this again.

Everything is so confusing, I don’t mind hearing this conversation my mind keeps having but I wish I was in control of it a bit more. It has taken all morning to write this. Perhaps I should have tried harder to see a doctor today, I feel really odd



  1. I think you should ring the Doctors again Trevor, tell them you’re having a reaction against the pills you’re taking, just tell them anything to enable you to speak to a Doctor and then you’ll be able to explain your symptoms and how you’re feeling inside … If your surgery is like mine you could explain as much as you can to the receptionist first and ask for advice, and ask for help….This sounds very serious… Penx

    • Thanks for your concern Pen.
      Although I still haven’t seen my doctor, I feel much better now. I do plan to see my doctor on Monday though, I really don’t want to go through anything like that again!

  2. I hope you are feeling better now, Trevor

  3. oh Trevor. this sounds so rough. hope the doc can sort it out, from your replies to comments it sounds like you are doing better, but i’m in agreement with Pen, see you doc…take care.

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