That night!

This story is fiction but is based on a real event.

The pills are on the table, all popped out of the foil packets and ready for me. Over the last couple of weeks I have gathered quite a collection, I have my blood pressure pills, three sorts, then I managed to get some prescription sleeping pills and painkillers, two months worth are now on the table as well. I also went down the shop today and bought a bottle of my favourite whiskey and some cheese nibbles to help pass the evening.

This may look like a premeditated evening but what sits in front of me now is a bit surprising! I have felt low for quite some time, my life has been crap even longer but I’m here, on my own in this tiny studio flat with what appears to me, nothing left worth living for. I’m not brave enough to sit in a hot bath with some razor blades, I hate heights so I’m not going to be jumping any time soon. To me this feels like a safe way of ending it all, take the pills, go to sleep and hope I don’t puke it all up ending up in hospital with half my vital organs dead but my mind still able to regret the coming events.

I put on the TV and search for something worth watching in what I have now decided are going to be my last few hours. I open the whiskey and pour a tumbler, I open the bag of nibbles and pour them into a large glass bowl I have beside my tablet cocktail on the table. I have also treated myself to twenty cigarettes, I normally roll my own with tobacco and papers but tonight I thought I deserved to smoke without having to fight with loose tobacco all over the place.

I have spent my day tidying up the place. I cleaned the bathroom, kitchenette and the main living space, hoovering and scouring everything within an inch of it’s gloss. I did my laundry and put all my clothes away neatly. I washed up all my pots, plates and eating implements. I intend for whoever finds me to think that I was a tidy, well kept person before they found me. I would hate to think of someone breaking in and finding the place a tip! Not that it would matter of course but I like things to be neat and tidy.

I take a sip of the whiskey, still searching for something to watch on TV. There seem to be no films on any channel tonight. I would prefer to watch a film. Perhaps I should put a DVD in and watch an old favourite instead. I decide this is going to be my best evenings entertainment and dig out the longest DVD I can find, it doesn’t really matter what it is because I know I will enjoy what I get to watch of it.

So, I’m set. Whiskey, pills, nibbles and something to watch as time passes.

My mind goes back to happier times, when I was young, laughing and messing about with friends that are no longer in my life and have not been in my life for many years. Friends like that only came into my life once, then in my wisdom I decided that I had to get away from them. Now, years later I find myself on my own in this tiny little studio thinking about putting an end to it all. Is my life really this bad?

Another sip of whiskey and a couple of the cheesy nibbles. I light a cigarette.

I have drifted through life, not really becoming attached to anyone, letting no one enter my life long enough to care for me. I have always moved on once it has become obvious that someone cares for me. Why this is I do not know! I like having people in my life, I love sharing my life with someone close to me, I even shared my life with a special person for a couple of years but in the end I walked out on them. Why would I do that? I feel I need a special person in my life but I never let anyone in!

My film starts, I settle back on the sofa.

I stare at the pills on the table. There must be nearly two hundred pills, if not more! I know I can take six or seven at a time, I have no problems swallowing pills. I remember a time when I hated taking medication but over the years this has changed. I take three twice a day for my blood pressure and I take them with just one sip of water. Six at a time should be no problem. Six into two hundred works that I will have to swallow thirty three times six pills with the odd pill left over by which time it should not matter anyway. The bottle of whiskey should be plenty to wash them all down with, I hope so anyway!

Another sip of whiskey as the film is in it’s first few scenes, more nibbles and I extinguish the remains of my cigarette in the glass ashtray on the coffee table.

My mind goes back to my childhood, playing with the kids from the village on the playground. Kiss chase with the girls, I always chased Tina, my pre-teen crush at the time. Football with the boys and then laughing afterwards as we all sit around one of the picnic tables telling jokes or stories, relaxing together in the rose tinted summer sun. I wonder where that freckly beauty from my youth is now? Does she even remember that fat kid who used to chase her around the park on those long summer evenings? How I could do with someone in my life worth chasing now!

Dusk finally turns to darkness. I can still see the trees through my window because of the street lighting but the sky is down black. The stars are not visible because of the street lights but I know they are there, looking down from their lofty position, bringing wonder to some small kids eyes.

My whiskey is not going down as I had hoped, it feels like it is choking me with every sip. Is this due to some subconscious thoughts about what is supposed to be going down with it. The pills lay untouched, scattered over the coffee table.

I had thought about writing a note for the finder of my body but I decided against it in the end. What is there to say apart from goodbye cruel world? I would be saying that anyway once I start to go through with this evenings meal.

The film goes on though I am taking little notice of the action on the screen, my mind is taking me back to happier times. Perhaps it is my minds way of saying it is not ready to die just yet, who knows? The thing is it is my mind that is also saying that it has had enough, or is that my heart saying it has had enough? My heart feels sick with loneliness. What is my heart though? When everything is considered it is simply a feeling from within, sensations converted by my mind telling me something is either right or wrong. My heart is simply another part of my mind telling me how my emotions are behaving, reacting to my current situation. My mind is what should really be in charge in this situation, the bit that reasons everything out, not my emotional part at all.

I light another cigarette and sit up. I feel uncomfortable laying down and I’m not going to be able to swallow those pills if I am laying down!

So, this is my emotions telling me to do this. I can feel it deep within me that this is what I want to do, I want to start swallowing the pills. My throat tightens as if my mind is telling it to close. I sip some whiskey and it chokes me. My throat is closing! My mind is finally taking control of the situation. It is like my mind has let my emotions go this far but will not let them go any further. I feel like crying!

I get up, going to the window to look out at the world. Tears start to creep out of my eyes. Would it really have been that simple? Could I have really swallowed all those pills? Probably!

I open the window, breathing deeply on the fresh night air.

I go to bed and sleep sounder than I have in months to wake to the reminder of my previous evening. The TV is still on, the DVD still in the player but all are simply displaying their logos as is the way with modern electronic gadgets.

A new day begins as I hide yesterdays thoughts in small bottles I have around the place, remembering to take my three blood pressure pills before I put them all back in the bathroom cabinet.

©2011 Trevor Litchfield



  1. Indigo Spider

     /  July 3, 2011

    I have been there many times. Could easily be my life. Well written and happy it is a story and not a final note!

    • I have been there to Indigo Spider, that is why I say it is based on a real event though most of the story is fiction. I’m pleased you found it well written as I think a piece like this deserves to be well written.
      Hopefully neither of us will visit this place again.

  2. Part of this story sounds like me too, Trevor… it was as though I was reading my own thoughts (quite frighteningly, to be honest!) Another thought came to me as I was reading this, the quote that goes something like ‘it is always darker just before the dawn’ (sorry, I can’t remember the exact quote right now); if you can see through the darkness you will get to see the light.
    A deep reminder that we always have a choice, and as Indigo Spider has commented, very well written.

    • I knew it wouldn’t be an easy read Tom, it wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever written but I felt it was time to tell the story in my own way.
      Our lives are full of choices, some we can learn from, some we never learn from, hopefully the ones we never learn from are minor choices.

  3. depression can take many forms, and we act out scenarios when the deepest darkest pit of despair has us in it’s craw… A fascinating, enthralling but sad read Trevor, sad that sometimes some are not able to pull back from the brink. Life throws us many slings and arrows, and some we can fend off, but others get through and the pain seems unbearable, and those times can get so, so dark … A circle of pain I call it, a non stop wanting to let go of this life. BUT it passes, that’s what we have to hold onto, it passes. 😀 xPenx

    • Some of the places our mind takes us when we are at our lowest can be really hard to deal with Pen, it’s having the strength and desire to live through them that wears me down at times. I’m not sure I want to visit that place again in a hurry though.

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