In response to yesterday

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For whatever reason, the recording I posted yesterday has spurred me on to actually write something. I am not for one second going to say that it is the sort of writing that I want to be writing but here it is none the less.

Perhaps for now this will be complementary to my recordings, I’m not entirely sure but I will have to see where it all takes me. At least I am on some sort of journey once again, I feel as if I have taken one step away from the direction my life was following, which is a good thing….right?

For now there is one thing I will say about the first recording, I received more support from people I have never met than I ever expected. In just one day I feel as if I have been in contact with more people that feel the same way I do than in the previous six years, the amount of time I have been ‘officially’ classed as someone that suffers from depression. Though a bit like the asthma I suffer from, it appears to have been with me most of my life when I look back on the things and discuss these things with the professionals.

You may well be asking what the point I’m trying to make is? In truth there isn’t one other than trying to get myself out of this dark hole I find myself in and maybe, just maybe help someone else along the way.

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  1. We all feel in need of a helping hand sometimes Trevor,. and I know depression can pull you down and not let go it’s clinging hold easily… I had a time when I felt I had missed something in my life, that there was a ‘wrongness’ and nothing I did could help me through it… I won’t talk about my start in life, about how I thought I’d put it all behind me during a time when I was first married. but it seemed the older I became the more tied in knots too. I one tried to explain myself to an overworked Doctor, and she gave me some ‘uppers’ which had me ‘up’ all right, crawling up the walls, and out walking in the twilight..(thankfully no Werewolf was in the vicinity ….so I am quite normal-ish still 😉 ) So I just tried to handle things in my own way… and for the most part I succeeded. When I’m not working I tend to sink myself into the poems and short stories… which seems also to help me with the passing of Bess….(and still the tears come.., just a mere thought and I’m off!!) anywho…long winded or what? Just hope you find the right shovel to help you dig out of that hole…always great to find the right tools for the job… hugs ‘n’ stuff…. xPenx

    • Oh Pen, you can be as long winded as you like, I just so appreciate your commenting at all.
      For whatever reason, the last 24 hours has seen a turnaround in my thought processes. I’m not ‘over it’ by any stretch of the imagination but I see things from a slightly different angle today.
      I always try to write but it had become so frustrating recently, absolutely nothing was coming out, this in turn helped to make me sink a little deeper then yesterday I saw things just a little differently and words returned.
      hugs ‘n’ stuff

  2. Sometimes there doesn’t need to be a point. If the process itself has a beneficial effect then it has a purpose, even your audio recording and blogging can be a positive step. I don’t think it matters if you ramble on about nothing, so long as it makes sense to you. The audio recording was really interesting to listen to, like hearing your inner thoughts streaming through my speakers, opened my eyes anyway, made me a little more aware of how depression can really effect someone’s life.

    • The process has had some effect as you may have already noticed.
      I’m pleased the recording has offered you some understanding, I was finding the written words hard to find and I simply had the desire to express myself in some way. To start with it was just going to be a private recording so that I might listen to myself whilst I tried to think of nothing else. Then it struck me that it might help further if I edited it down and published it in some way. You listened to the result.
      It has given me a release that I did not expect, so I am making short recordings every day this week and maybe if what I end up with is acceptable to me, I might edit it all together for another published recording next Sunday.
      Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment, you would be surprised just how much it helps.

  3. take your time,

    bless your blogging and writing…

    • Thank you for your comment oceanwavesinblue, they are much appreciated.

  4. Indigo Spider

     /  August 8, 2011

    I think writing becomes the point in and of itself. I’ve often found writing helps me find my way through my own muddled thoughts and surprises me by showing me something I missed by just “thinking” about it, if that makes sense.

    I’ve suffered with clinical depression since puberty so my life is all too often tainted with that feeling of being stuck in tar. Even ‘good’ days I’m never as happy as ‘normal’ people.

    I’ve never kept quiet about my depression for the simple fact that I don’t believe there should be shame, especially since it is not in your control anymore than cancer is, and because if no one ever talks about it then we can never find others who truly understand. By sharing your words (spoke and written) it connects those who understand and helps those who are lucky enough not to suffer understand that it isn’t as simple as “just cheer up.”

    So, this long winded response really is to say — I am glad you are at least in a place that is a little better than before and has allowed you to write just a little bit again.

    • Like you, I have always been honest about my depression, I see no point in trying to hide it as it will soon become obvious to anyone with a smidgen of intelligence that I have ‘issues’.

      I am enjoying this place I have found as much as I can, I have no idea how long it will last or whether I will lift a bit more, but for now I’m living it which is the important thing. The writing will come and go also but now I have taken the first step with a different format, I may be able to continue with that. It has helped me in unexpected ways.

  5. Thankyou for sharing your thoughts. It is a courageous thing to do. And people are helped by your honesty. Blessings to you.

    • Thank you Cecelia, it did not feel courageous at the time and still doesn’t but to know that it might help others is reward beyond compare.

  6. Raven

     /  August 11, 2011

    I agree it is good to see you back writing! It can be tough to come out of the fog or as my cousin called it “an endless void of spirit”. I cannot think of better way to describe that sense one gets while feeling so out of it.
    Like Lady Pen, I found the meds they prescribed did not work for me. So I muddle through best as I can.
    Be well and smile knowing there are many who care about you 😉

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