No Sleep Tonight!

English: Smoking kills. Written on cigarette b...

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Another night that I can’t get off to sleep!
Thoughts running around my head, decisions taken today affect how I’ll behave tomorrow and the foreseeable future.
I made the right decisions for me!

Selfish!

I still feel crap about having made those decisions though.
Smoke another cigarette, drink another cup of tea.
My daughter sleeps soundly on, I can hear her gentle murmurings as she sleeps even from where I sit, the night is so quiet. She thinks I’m a fool but accepts my choices, my decisions, my life.
Ash falls from my cigarette as I wonder what words will appear next in my head, the piece of paper I visualise as I write.

It seemed that I had gained all I ever wanted, then I asked all I had gained to leave my life!
It felt right………………it still feels right.
I know it will feel right after I’ve slept.
If I sleep at all tonight.

I was so tired this afternoon that I eventually went to bed around 4pm and slept soundly for two solid hours. Another reason I don’t sleep now I expect.
Why was I that tired?
I had done nothing more than I usually do today. I slept well the night before!

I really don’t think my mental illness had any bearing on today’s choices.
Another cigarette, another mug of tea.
The words aren’t spinning in my head as they were when I lay in the dark, attempting to let rest find me.

When I head back to my bed, I know this thought process will keep me awake. I know that putting my mind back in gear, finding words to match my thoughts will activate my whole body to accept that tonight will be restless,

“no peace for the wicked”!

I don’t feel wicked but guilt is sliding over me. Guilt that I wasn’t what I wanted to be.
Seconds pass, minutes creep by, hours not noticeable but lived none the less.

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2 Comments

  1. Samantha Marshall

     /  January 25, 2012

    You are a better man than most. You think, you share, you give reasons, you respect others and yourself. Don’t feel guilty. You have no need to doubt yourself.

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