Lost

Lost in a world of fog,
fog developed by my own choosing.
Smoggy and full of thick smoke,
failing to find my way.
Following my own footsteps,
losing myself in the process.
Alcohol providing the perfect cover,
to hide behind, even on good days.
Waiting to die,
waiting to live.
Waiting for life itself,
something good comes my way.
When all is lost, I choose to live on,
when not so long ago I chose an overdose.
The easy way out,
the scared option
Waiting for a day to carry on,
waiting for a day to be more than a survivor.

©2013 Trevor Litchfield

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November

The depression I suffer continues unabated, in fact it’s even worse since I had a heart attack in late May. It has become debilitating to the point where I cannot work or function in many day to day situations. It reached boiling point for me a couple of weeks ago when I overdosed and ended up in hospital for 30 hours. Not the best moments in my life! Thank goodness I have someone in my life that cares for the person behind this depression, without her I don’t know where I’d be.

 

The one thing I seem to be able to do is read. In the early summer I treated myself to and Android tablet PC and although it is useful for many other things I mainly use the kindle and library software to download (loan) and read books on it. I love printed books but since I’ve owned this tablet PC I seem to read avariciously, which I guess is a good thing.

 

The wine and beer making continues, I currently have some rose wine fermenting which I hope will be drinkable at Christmas. It came in kit form and says it should be ready to drink in 2 months which should be just right for Christmas. I’m also about to start my beer brewing for Christmas, I’m brewing one of the better ales on the market because the holidays deserve something a bit better than usual.

 

Update

The urge to create is still one I seem to have lost but the urge to write has returned for the today at least! So for anyone that is interested here’s a quick catch-up on what has been going on in Trevor Towers these last few months. This isn’t a timeline or a confessional, I’m writing this simply because I need to, if you enjoy reading it then we’re all happy.

To start with, I’m still struggling with depression! I seem to be on a long and winding road that always comes back to where I found myself during the summer. My mind seems to let the real me come through a little more often recently but it only takes one tiny spark of a thought and I’m back staring into the abyss.

I have finally found work after nearly three years of unemployment. Although initially a temporary position for just six weeks back in early September, they extended it to Christmas soon after and I’m really hopeful that I will get offered a long term contract come Christmas.

Getting this job has been almost a life saver for me. Mentally it has given my mind a break from the ever darker thoughts that were invading and it has given me something active to do, which has helped my high blood pressure no end. I had become very lazy at home all day every day and along with depression, I had reached the stage where I wasn’t going out for days at a time. Not healthy!

It has also brought some fantastic people into my life! I have been able to share my experience with depression with a couple of them as we seemed to have discovered each other and our shared illness quite quickly after I started work. Then there are the happy people, they bring light into my days that I had forgotten had existed but most of all, and something that has surprised me as we have only really known each other a short time, a couple of them have become close friends.

Although the money is very welcome, the people are the ones I cherish and crave the most. I have found I can laugh once more. I have also found an honesty within myself that hasn’t been there for sometime, whether it’s because I finally have other things to occupy my mind, or it is simply being around other, new and exciting people, I don’t care. All I know is it has been excellent medicine for me and I really hope I can continue to take it for some time to come yet.

Wasted!

From the seed to a mighty tree, it grows with purpose,
knowing the path it will follow from germination.
Pushing up through the earth, taking sustenance
from everything around it, from the air itself.
Converting all these resources to power it’s own needs
eventually to dominate the skyline, basking in it’s glory.
Pondering what my purpose is amongst all this growth,
am I asking too many questions of myself?
I am full of life’s wisdom and learning,
I feel like the seed fallen on infertile ground, wasted!

©2011 Trevor Litchfield

Water and Air

Dark heavy clouds scud by in the strong breeze,
carrying with them woes untold in their midst.
Vapour sucked from oceans full of man’s tears,
telling of life’s hardships unknown beyond their falling.
Yet the tears stay within the clouds, fighting for release.
Who will listen to their tales when they fall again?

The breeze itself full of man’s final sighs,
reaching the final release that hopelessness brings.
Sounds of sobbing lost in the distance travelled
by the air surrounding them, never to find solace.
If you listen carefully, trees repeat the sighs.
Echoing man’s questions, looking for answers.

Every day we share these tears and sighs,
walking through them, they enter our bodies.
Do we listen to the sobs of pain held within
as we listen to our own hopes and dreams?
The pain we feel is shared with all mankind,
yet we never see or hear beyond the water and air.

©2011 Trevor Litchfield

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