Myocardial Infarction

Where to start and what to say?
I guess the easiest way is to be honest with myself. I had a myocardial infarction (heart attack to you and me) last week.
My initial thoughts when I had the chest pains were “That’s not so good but hopefully this will pass”. It did for a while, then it came back. I then slept the night away but on awakening in the morning, something told me that I should go to hospital to get it checked out. Before I knew where I was, I was admitted into a cardiac care ward and there a scary week unfolded. It finished with me being discharged with a stent in my right coronary artery.
Now, one of the many reasons for me ending up in this position is the fact that I smoke tobacco! I know my diet could do with some improvements and my alcohol intake will have to be tempered but to have to stop something completely is hard! I have become the ratty monster from the nicotine deprivation office on a quiet rampage through my mind. EVERYTHING leads back to the desire for a cigarette!
One week on and I’m still fighting myself almost every waking moment.

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The Storm Outside

Attempting to find sleep in the early morning hours as the storm rages outside.
Watching the performers in my life struggle to find their perfect part.
Learning their lines but seemingly always missing their cue,
berating themselves yet not understanding my tranquillity as I watch,
thinking they have upset the balance, when in fact the play is perfect.

Rain lashes itself against the windows, rivulets running down the pains.
Tears of life falling yet strangely, I am unmoved by their flow.
I sit composedly in the middle of the floor, absolving all around me,
Calm in the middle of the storm on this early morning vigil,
attempting to make sense of the imposed wreckage outside.

The life I now lead is one of my choosing, I choose not to incriminate.
I am not looking for the storm to subside, it will exhaust itself
and I will remain seated on the floor in self absorbed satisfaction,
in the knowledge that the performers will learn to live with imperfection
as nature performs her imperfect dance outside the window.

The storm rages on as rain and wind lash the walls outside.
Calmness within the walls reflect how I see the storm,
it will blow over as all storms must, leaving behind broken branches,
but not a broken heart, not this one at least.
All the performers are important to me, they could never fail me.

There is no competition, each has won their own award,
a place in my heart that will remain forever theirs.
So let the storm subside. Let it pass us by.
Windswept and dishevelled, we can brush ourselves down and start anew.
We must all remain in the play as surely as the wind is part of the storm.

©2012 Trevor Litchfield

Another weekend done and dusted

District 13: Ultimatum

Image via Wikipedia

With a weekend of football on the TV to enjoy and my daughter away, I’ve done very little of anything much. I did get to watch a couple of films though:

District 13 Ultimatum 28/01/12 Liked it (not a waste of 90 minutes at least) French film that was really entertaining even though I struggled at times to keep up with the subtitles, thankfully I know a little French (is that a good thing?), so wasn’t totally overcome by the subtitles most of the time. Why only three stars when I say it’s really entertaining? The final five minutes where all these hoodlums get all chummy and the destruction of Paris left to our imagination!
Lifeforce 28/01/12 Liked it (not a waste of 90 minutes at least) A classic Sci Fi start that ends up being a vampire movie with a new twist on the term vampire. Why Patrick Stewart took a small part in this I’ve no idea but his was the only honest acting throughout, the rest was pretty dire. This got three stars mainly because of the story twist which was quite interesting though it could have been so much better.

No Sleep Tonight!

English: Smoking kills. Written on cigarette b...

Image via Wikipedia

Another night that I can’t get off to sleep!
Thoughts running around my head, decisions taken today affect how I’ll behave tomorrow and the foreseeable future.
I made the right decisions for me!

Selfish!

I still feel crap about having made those decisions though.
Smoke another cigarette, drink another cup of tea.
My daughter sleeps soundly on, I can hear her gentle murmurings as she sleeps even from where I sit, the night is so quiet. She thinks I’m a fool but accepts my choices, my decisions, my life.
Ash falls from my cigarette as I wonder what words will appear next in my head, the piece of paper I visualise as I write.

It seemed that I had gained all I ever wanted, then I asked all I had gained to leave my life!
It felt right………………it still feels right.
I know it will feel right after I’ve slept.
If I sleep at all tonight.

I was so tired this afternoon that I eventually went to bed around 4pm and slept soundly for two solid hours. Another reason I don’t sleep now I expect.
Why was I that tired?
I had done nothing more than I usually do today. I slept well the night before!

I really don’t think my mental illness had any bearing on today’s choices.
Another cigarette, another mug of tea.
The words aren’t spinning in my head as they were when I lay in the dark, attempting to let rest find me.

When I head back to my bed, I know this thought process will keep me awake. I know that putting my mind back in gear, finding words to match my thoughts will activate my whole body to accept that tonight will be restless,

“no peace for the wicked”!

I don’t feel wicked but guilt is sliding over me. Guilt that I wasn’t what I wanted to be.
Seconds pass, minutes creep by, hours not noticeable but lived none the less.

The continuing Saga of Trevor Towers

I’m still getting used to my steamer but it is getting plenty of use and I’m getting plenty of practice cooking with it. Tonight has been the first evening in a week that it hasn’t been used! I am still procrastinating about using my pie tins though, they are washed and waiting their first outing which I would like to think won’t be too far away.

On more decorative matters, I am considering decorating the living room/dining room cum study here at Trevor Towers. The room where just about everything gets done, things like eating, couching in front of the TV and as now, typing furiously away with words running through my head much faster and far more accurately spelled than my two fingers could possibly ever cope with.

I was in a local shop today and they are nearing the end of their sale and oddly have garden ornaments going for a song. Anyway, they have some outdoor candle holders that are basically bottles with the bottom cut off and candle holders in the original bottoms place. They are mounted through the open end at the top by a chain connected to a tubular affair within the bottle. I know my description is rather crappy, see images to get a much better idea of how they look.

So, I purchase these two candle holders, some hooks and as soon as I am home I set the hooks in my ceiling and hang these two rather attractive bottles from said hooks. I know that they are made to be outdoors but they now provide a rather intimate light over my sofa as I relax in front of the TV. I can even dispense with my floor uplighter when I feel the need to have a more intimate evening with my TV 🙂

The other week I also bought a couple of coloured bottles from the same store, again a real bargain. They now hold some silk flowers that help give a bit of colour to the room.

Who would have thought that I would ever be this imaginative when it comes to the little things around Trevor Towers!

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